im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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