Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
