the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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