i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
