I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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