God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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