I've blown a few things in my day
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
