Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
