I just pynch a tree in the face
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
