just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
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I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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