My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
