Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
