1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
