i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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