She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
