dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
