i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
