just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
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On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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