Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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