how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
