Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
