there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
