Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
that may or may not have been my penis.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
