I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Can I color on your dick again?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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