im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
