I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
