4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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