Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
