birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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