Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
