i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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