I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
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