I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
And then he peed in my hair
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