I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
