i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
