I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
my poor anus
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