What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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