At least make sure they are 18
Why
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How does it feel to date your dad?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
