Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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