he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
