he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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