so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
