Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
as a side note pls kill me
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
