Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
