I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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