so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
