So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
