i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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