my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
