Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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