At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
