Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We don't watch enough power rangers
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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