i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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