His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
