i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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