I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
