I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
