I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
