just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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