My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
