I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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