dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
