she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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