Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
