Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
