3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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