Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
