i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
