Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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