then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
